Feeling Fear

Dream:

I am with a man. He is my friend and I like him. But then somehow I am lying face down on a bed and he lies on top of me. He is much bigger than me. At first its ok but then he won’t get up. He is heavy and he is squishing me. I start getting scared. I can’t move. Now I’m getting so scared and claustrophobic. I beg him to please get off of me. I ask him nicely. I say – please can you get off of me? He will not get off. I can’t believe that he won’t. I thought he was my friend. I am so, so scared and panicked. I keep begging and begging.

The fear is huge. To be held down with that much pressure on me is terrifying. This dream confuses me. It feels like this divine archetypal man, the Animus, is torturing me. Why would he do that?

As we talk about the dream, Rodger helps me to see that the Animus is helping me to feel my own feeling of terror that is always with me, underneath the surface. It’s a feeling that has been there for a long time and I need to feel it. We need to feel feelings in order to move through them. It is scary and difficult but the dream is here to help me feel it.

In the dream, I am unable to surrender to him and just feel the fear. I beg him to get off of me. I react more with anger when he doesn’t. I want to be in control of him, tell him what to do. But that very need for control is keeping me from feeling the fear. He forces me into this vulnerable position so that I will feel it.

My homework is to feel the fear and the pressure when he lies on top of me. I am not to go to the place of reaction where I ask him to get off – just stay with the feeling of terror when his body is pressing down, pinning me there.

This dream touches on a place within me that feels helpless. And with that helplessness is fear. To let go of control and feel that is very difficult for me.

In my waking life, I am feeling helpless. Both of my daughters have recently developed medical conditions that are complicated and confusing. I want to be able to control everything about it. I want to be in charge. I want to get the right diagnosis, the right doctors, find the right diet, get the right medications. There is a certain amount that I can do. But there is quite a bit that is beyond my control. I am having trouble trusting anyone – even our family doctor that I’ve trusted forever. This brings up tremendous fear for me. I am like any other parent wanting to do the best I can for my children. That being said, I have an opportunity to understand that I am not in control. There is something much bigger than me controlling this. When I feel the fear of what is going on, it is like I am being pinned, trapped like I felt in the dream. Ultimately, I don’t have control and that is terrifying. Getting to the place of trust, trust of the Animus and knowing that he is in control and not me is a big part of my work right now.